This is a PSA for all the ‘nice guys’ out there — please kindly fuck off.
Before you get your back up, let me explain. No, I’m not a man-hating bitch. Seriously, I love my boyfriend and he’s a nice guy, but that’s beside the point.
I’m just tired. Tired of you using your ‘nice guy’ persona to excuse inappropriate behavior.
I’m talking to the guys who lurk around women hoping that if they’re nice enough, they’ll get something in return. Like the guy who followed me through the grocery store, grabbing hard-to-reach items, only to get upset when I didn’t give him my number. Stop crying about how you finish last and get a clue.
It’s not nice, it’s creepy.
Worried that you might be straddling the line between nice and predatory? Here are three behaviors that make women feel uncomfortable and how to avoid them.
Repeatedly Asking Us Out
Persistence is a great quality in many situations, but despite what Fifty Shades of Grey implies, dating is not one of them.
Case in point, I was inspired to write this article after continually being asked out by someone who I haven’t seen since high school. In fact, I received yet another Facebook message from him this week while visiting my parents. It read:
“Hey, I see you are back in town. Let’s rent bikes and go on a day trip”
On the surface, this looks like a pretty benign message, but it creeped me out a little because:
- I hadn’t posted about my whereabouts on social media
- I hadn’t told any mutual friends I was home
- My home town has a population of 1 million
- I hadn’t seen this person in 10 years (and had no interest in seeing him)
In fact, the only indication of my return was my evening run on Strava. Damn GPS.
To be clear, he’s not a bad guy, I just have no interest in reconnecting in any capacity. I thought I made that pretty clear the first, second, and sixth time. I don’t owe you a hang out so please stop asking. At this point, it’s just making me uneasy.
Nice guys start toeing the line between normal and predatory when they refuse to take ‘no’ as an absolute answer. If we repeatedly blow you off, it’s a clear sign of disinterest. It does not mean that we want you to circle back in a few weeks/months/years and ask again. Cut your losses and move on.
Trust me, if a girl wants to meet up, you won’t have to ask her half a dozen times. You also won’t have to stalk fitness apps to find out her location.
Rule of Thumb: navigate the tricky ‘is she playing hard to get or does she just not want to see me?’ territory by following the three-strikes rule. No matter how much time has passed, if a girl dodges you three times in a row, stop asking.
Wanting to Get Drunk Together
I know, we’re fun to go out with, but some of you need to take a chill pill when it comes to propositioning women with alcohol. Trust me when I say, women will always be leery of getting drunk around men, no matter how nice you think you are.
For example, I once asked a male acquaintance to help me move apartments. His response was “Sure, if you agree to drink a bottle of wine with me.”
In the context of our relationship, this immediately made me feel uncomfortable because it came across like he was only willing to help if I got drunk with him. It would have been a lot less creepy if he had said, “Sure, if you buy me an [alcoholic beverage of choice] after.”
The second approach comes off way less coercive because the woman doesn’t feel pressured to drink if she doesn’t want to. Plus, in this instance, he was the one doing the favor, so it makes more sense. Overall, it’s a better vibe.
Nothing wrong with asking a girl out for a drink, just don’t be weird about it.
Rule of thumb: the best way to avoid coming off as predatory when alcohol is involved is to keep the legal limit in mind. It doesn’t matter if the gal can drink like a fish, act like you want her to be able to drive home after.
Being a Little Too Nice
This one might make me sound like a bitch, but I stand by it.
There’s nothing wrong with being nice. If we’re dating, be as nice as you want. In fact, I encourage it. The issue with guys being too nice only arises when we’re single and we have no interest in dating the guy in question.
Here’s why.
There are few guys out there who are just nice for niceness’s sake (my apologies if you are one of them.) With most guys, there is almost always an ulterior motive and that’s what puts us on edge. We know that you’re just insisting on walking us home from the party so you can bob around looking for a goodnight kiss. We’ve done this song and dance before. We’d rather walk alone.
News flash, you’re not a nice guy if you only do nice gestures because you’re trying to score. If this is the main reason you’re acting like a gentleman, we’d honestly rather you not.
Rule of Thumb: next time you offer to [insert nice gesture] ask yourself, “Would I do this if I knew there was zero chance of getting laid?” if your answer is no, then you’re probably just making the woman feel uncomfortable.
Final Thoughts
Look, I know some men will want to defend themselves in the comments with anecdotes that contradict these points. Be my guest. But I promise you, those are the except, not the rule.
And to be clear, I didn’t write this to bash men. I wrote this on the off chance that and men will read it and think, “Well shit, maybe I’m not as nice as I thought I was. Better work on that.”
Written By https://penandblot.medium.com/?source=post_page-----54130126cff4--------------------------------
Posted By Benjamin Ben
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